Kebabageddon

 

Having worked in Oldham I think I have been spoiled. You see, I love Kebabs… Perhaps more importantly I love Doner Kebabs. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I can’t help it. The trouble is. Most Takeaways and Kebab Shops can’t help ruining this culinary delight.

It is true to say that the best Kebabs I have ever had have been in Oldham. Closely followed by Manchester, however, as soon as you get a few miles away from these great two capitals of the Kebab people magically seem to be unable to create my favourite ‘junk’ food offering.

THE FIVE STEPS OF THE MAKING OF A GREAT KEBAB

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Why Can’t there be a set standard of what a Kebab is. For a start, it MUST come on a large freshly made sweet and fluffy Naan. You know the type, the ones that are so large that they hardly fit on a table when they are not folded up (when they are folded up filled with amazingly delicious contents I expect them to be the size and weight of a new-born baby!). It is the only way to have a Kebab, on Naan, not on bloody Pita. What’s more, if you don’t have a chef capable of producing a freshly made Naan then don’t bother trying to sell Kebabs, just stick to pizzas or burgers or deep-fried chicken, don’t fool me with a microwaved thick, damp, stodgy piece of dough and try to get me believe that it is a Naan. It isn’t. The Naan is step one in the five steps of making a great Kebab.

Next up, the meat. Doner is supposed to be lamb, but I don’t mind if it is a mix, just as long as it tastes good. It doesn’t have to be bright red, in fact, why the fuck is it available in bright red? That is just wrong. But it should be well cooked, crispy on one side, juicy on the other and freshly trimmed off the giant skewer… step two then is not hard to get right is it? If you are having problems getting step two right then I don’t mind the substitution of the doner meat for some other form of meat, Chicken Tikka for example or Lamb, but please, cook it well and let’s have it in large succulent chunks, once again well done on the outside and nice and juicy on the inside.

Step 3 is the greenery – Cabbage or Lettuce I don’t mind either, but whatever you choose, please make sure it is crispy and FRESH, if I would have wanted a limp bit of lettuce on my food I would have ordered a Big Mac!

Some takeaways would have you believe that after step 3 you jump straight onto step 5, but oh-no, are they wrong. Step four is the colourful ‘green’ stuff, you know, things like cucumber, chillies, onions and tomatoes (yes I know they aren’t green but you get the idea!) something fresh and healthy is required in addition to the normal greenery.

Finally then, we come to stage 5 – the sauce. Some like it hot, some like it mild, some like it suicidal. Personally I like a nice mild FRESH mint based sauce with my Doner Kebab, a good drizzle will do, it doesn’t need drowning in the bloody stuff especially if you have used one of those piss-poor imitation microwaved Naan breads as well, you see, then it kind of resembles something that may have already passed through my digestive tract. Whatever you do, please don’t fuck up your already dismal offering (as I experienced quite recently) and poor over a big ladle full of what I am hoping was meat juice, but could have been anything bland and watery (as such I was able to tell it wasn’t just piss).

So that it is. Rant over. Kebabs should be great, they are very simple, easy to prepare and they can taste great so why do we still get shocking examples like this:

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